Sgt. Marsh is trapped. His only chance of survival...
...is to sneak past the Bosnian guard.
He knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.
The American base is only a few feet away.
What is this? Halt!
It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me.
- Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass! - You're dead.
- I have class 4 armor on. - No, you don't.
Special armor that's impenetrable to American bullets.
- Every time we play, you cheat. - Cartman, you suck.
You can play Americans versus Bosnians with yourself!
That's fine. I like playing with myself. I play with myself all day long.
- What? - What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. - Hi, Stan.
- Hi, Wendy. - Doesn't Bebe look pretty today?
- I don't know. - She looks very pretty.
- Okay. - Stan, can I talk to you for a second?
Wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?
- No. - If they were a couple...
...we can invite them to your clubhouse for dinner...
- ...and talk and sip cognac. - We could?
- Yes. - Dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
- I thought all guys had clubhouses. - How many clubhouses have you been in?
Commandant Cartman has ways of making you talk.
You have to build a clubhouse. Then we can sit in it and play truth or dare.
Truth or dare? Wow!
We've got work to do. We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask Dad for help.
- Did it work? - If all goes as planned...
- ...Kyle will be your new boyfriend. - I hope so. He's got such a hot ass.
- Phillip, pull my finger. - All right, Terrance.
- Wait, wait. Pull harder. - Well, all right.
- Damn it. Pull really hard, Phillip. - Okay.
Wait, wait, wait.
Oh, my!
Wait, wait!
I got you there.
- Oh, you got me, Terrance. - Yes, I sure did.
- Your dad's watching Terrance and Phillip. - Just flipping through.
We need to build a clubhouse. How do we do it?
Get a hammer and some wood. Some girls want to play truth or dare?
- How'd you know? - How do you think I met Mom?
My wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposaI.
Oh, brother.
Stanley, I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon.
Yeah, you should know better.
Here. Watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.
Will you please get my wedding ring out of the sink?
- Hey, hey, hey! What's going on? - You need to lose weight.
I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your mouth!
- Bitch? I'll kick your ass! - Sweet!
You think you slick, you punk-ass, dope-fiend bitch?
I had my jimmy waxed seven times last week. I'll bust a cop in your-
Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty.
- Find it? - Give me a second.
- Don't snap at me. - I didn't.
- You snapped. - Whatever.
"Whatever"? In 15 years, you've never said "whatever" to me.
- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry too.
- I found it. - That's not it, you idiot.
Hey, back off, ****.
You just said the "C" word.
Did I?
- This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse. - What did your dad mean by truth or dare?
Maybe when we're finished, Wendy and Bebe can come over.
- Dude, that's sick. Girls suck ass. - Of course they do, but-
- We could play truth or dare with them? - Why?
We can make them do gross stuff. Like eat bugs.
Hey, yeah. We could totally ruin their lives.
- What are you doing? - Building a clubhouse.
That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.
It's sweet. Then we're gonna get girls to play truth or dare.
- Why? - Because, dumb-ass, we can make them cry.
- Were you born yesterday? - Beat it. This place is private.
- We'll build our own clubhouse. - Fine.
- We'll get our own girls. - Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine. That's fine.
- Fine. - Fine!
No, Kenny, you can't look. I'm the foreman.
Because, your family's poor. You have to be the worker.
- How's the tree house coming along, hon? - It's a clubhouse.
- Sorry. - Can we pull out...
- ...the carpeting in the living room? - I don't know, Eric.
- If you did, the floors would be bare. - But, Mom...
...the blueprint says we need carpeting.
- All right. - Kenny, you can go get the carpeting.
And stop your bitching!
- What are you doing? - Getting a cookie. We're building a-
First you get a cookie, and then you criticize the way I dress.
Next, you'll be telling me that you need your space.
Go ahead, Stanley, get your goddamn cookie!
Okay.
Today we're gonna focus on American history. Right, Mr. Twig?
- That's right, Mr. Garrison. - When is Mr. Hat coming back?
- What did you say? - When is Mr. Hat coming back?
I told you not to mention that name. Mr. Hat is a whore!
- Now we all learn from Mr. Twig. - He sucks.
- Yeah. - Enough!
Mr. Hat isn't coming back. And I don't want to hear it.
Let's turn our history textbooks to page 105, which is after...
- How's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan? - Better than yours.
We'll see about that. Don't forget, you need to leave early.
- Is the clubhouse ready? - Almost.
- Are you paying attention? - Yes.
Well, then, Stanley, what did I just say?
That even though Charo appeared 12 times on The Love Boat...
...the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
I suppose you were paying attention.
- Good guess, dude. - Whew!
- Pass this up. - Pass this up.
Stanley, are you passing notes? Don't lie. Lying makes you sterile.
- I'm not. Someone just- - If you must interrupt my class...
...then why don't you come up and read your note?
- I didn't write the note. - Stan's behavior...
- ...is affecting my education. - Shut up!
Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now!
Oh, man.
"Dear Kyle, you have got such a great ass.
I could sleep for days on those perk cheeks.
I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity."
Whoa, dude!
Young man, school is a time for learning, not for immature skylarkings.
- What's skylarkings? - Like tomfooleries.
- Who? - Oh, your parents are here.
- Oh, no. - Thank you for coming.
I was just disciplining him for his skylarkings.
Stanley, I- Skylarkings?
Explain to me why you were passing notes.
Let me handle this. Now, explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
It wasn't my note.
We're here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
- You should know better. - Shape up, mister.
Don't interrupt me. You always interrupt me.
- I don't interrupt you. - There, you did it again.
Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking. Stan, I want-
I'm sorry to interrupt. She always takes over any conversation.
- Taking over any conversation's bad. - You're one to talk.
When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?
When was the last time you said anything interesting?
We have a bit of a communication problem here.
- Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling. - I feel like everything I do is wrong.
- That's valid. Mrs. Marsh... - Excuse me.
- ...how do you feel? - He sees right through me.
- Oh, please. - Oh, please yourself.
Who tries to control the marriage? Who's dominating the relationship?
- He is. - No, she is.
- I'm sorry. I guess I'm wrong again. - M'kay.
Look at it. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.
We built it with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks.
- You go find chicks. - Why do I have to go?
Because I have to work. I have to test the foundation, run expenses.
All you have to do is find chicks. Now, stop your bitching.
Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?
- Dude, where have you been? - I got in trouble for that note for you.
- To me? - Not to you. Forget it.
We have to finish our clubhouse. The girls wanna play tomorrow.
- We should use nails. - My mom won't let us.
- How's the clubhouse coming? - Almost done.
- Hurry. We wanna play. - We're going as fast as we can.
Kyle, could you turn around for a second?
Thank you.
We have to hammer faster.
- Do you know how to play truth or dare? - No.
- How are we supposed to play it then? - I didn't think about that.
Then, they'll ask "truth or dare?"
- And I say "dare." - No, you say "truth."
- But that's boring. - You have to say "truth" first...
...or else you'll seem too eager.
You got to play it cool, like you don't care.
Then after a few truths, you finally answer "dare."
- Dare! - But not like that, son. Like this:
Dare!
- Then she'll dare you to kiss Wendy. - Really?
Of course. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned for months.
Hey, hey, hey! What's going down, y'all?
- What're you doing this side of the 'hood? - Rudy, you're like school in summertime.
- School in summertime? - Yeah, bitch. Open your ******* ears...
- ... before I pop your bitch ass. - I'll-ba pop-a your bitch-a ass-a tuba.
What the hell is going on in this cartoon?
Oh, hey, Kenny. Did you find any chicks?
- We ran away from home. - He said we could crash at your clubhouse.
Holy crap.
- Behold! Ewok Village 2000. - I guess it beats living at home.
Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack?
- Hello? - How's the clubhouse coming?
- We're working on it! - Me and Kenny have finished...
- ...and we already have chicks over. - You don't.
It's only a matter of time before we play truth or dare. Good luck!
Fat ass. Fat hunk of fat.
- Will you please ask Dad to help me? - Stanley, your father has moved out.
- What? Why? - Because we're divorced, Stanley.
Divorced? Does that mean you and Dad don't love me?
- This is all my fault, isn't it? - Yeah, kind of.
- Dude, you're not supposed to say that. - But meet your stepfather, Roy.
- Hello, son. - I'll leave you two alone.
I know this must be a very difficult period for you...
...but I'd like to be your friend.
Feel free to come to me with anything you need. Whether it's advice...
- ...or someone to play catch with. - This is way too fast.
When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh? I have done my best...
...and all you ever do is whine and moan. Go cut some firewood.
So she goes, "Make sure you're home before midnight."
- Ah, that's weak. - I go, "Bitch, I don't need no curfew."
- Killer. - She goes, "Then don't bother coming home."
- That's totally weak. - So I go, "Fine, I won't."
Then she goes, "Fine, don't come home, " getting all in my face and crap.
I'm 16. I should be able to do what I want, when I want.
I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds.
"I'm not a little kid anymore. I'm 8.
And if I want to finger-paint, then I'm gonna finger-paint."
- Okay, we're done. - Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.
It only has to last long enough to play truth or dare. I'll go get the girls.
- Stanley, it's time to go. - Go where?
Your bastard father has visitation rights.
- But I have to go get the girls- - Come on, Stanley.
- Dad? - Hey, Stanley, hop in.
I know all this must be tough. We thought it'd be best if we split up.
- I don't understand- - Well, hello, ladies.
- We're gonna be at Larry's bar tonight. - I'm already there.
We still care about you and your sister. But we don't like being around each other.
I don't like my sister. Can I leave her too?
No, because you're family. You can't just leave family.
But you and Mom are family. How can you split up?
When you and Mom got married, you became family.
You shouldn't leave her just like I shouldn't leave my sister.
You're so young. You just don't get it.
- Have a nice day. - That's it?
But I loved our time together. Get out. You know that nothing...
- ...is more important to me than you, right? - I guess-
- The girls are gonna be here any minute. - I think you're doing this...
- ...because you wanna play with girls. - No way.
- Come on. - We have to say "truth" first, right?
- Why? - Otherwise, we'll seem too eager.
- Too eager? - To say "dare."
Hi, guys.
- Hi, Wendy. - Don't you wanna play truth or dare?
- Yeah! I mean, sure. - Then, come on.
- Remember, "truth" first. - Okay.
- Who wants to go first? - I will. Kyle?
- Yeah. - Truth or dare?
- Dare? - Dude!
- Kiss Bebe on the lips. - What? I'm not kissing a girl.
- What's the matter? - It's wrong.
- Just close your eyes. - What'd you get me into?
Cartman is playing with girls right now. You want him to beat us?
Oh, boy.
Sick! ******* sickening!
- Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby! - Your turn, Bebe.
Okay, Stan, truth or dare?
Stan? Truth or dare?
Dare.
Could you please help me with the firewood?
Dude, we have enough to last 12 years.
When will you let me in? Let me love you! Now, get your ass out and help me.
- Bye. Hopefully, we can play tomorrow. - Crap!
- You should be able to move out at 14. - Our moms won't even let us smoke.
My mom always gives me **** for smoking, but it's my body.
Totally. My mom gives me **** sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I-
Pookums, it's time for Mommy to tuck you in for night-night.
- Eric, are you there in your clubhouse? - Coming, Mom.
- We have to play truth or dare quick. - Hey, girls.
- Oh, hey, Scott. - Who are you?
- Oh, we invited some people over. - How many people?
Can I talk to you? This is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart.
- I can't go on with this codependency. - That's fine.
No, don't speak. Just try and understand.
- It has to be this way. - I don't care.
Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.
- Okay, Clyde, we can go now. - Bitchen.
These café curtains require no sewing, and I know you all love that.
Mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
- What? - Chores, do chores.
- My dad lets me watch. - I'm not your dad, okay?
I'm not your dad! You can't go around playing games with my emotions!
Stanley, what did you do to Roy?
Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy.
- You're the most important thing to me. - Then get back together with Dad.
When I say you're the most important thing to me...
...what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness.
- Bye, now. Roy? - Divorce is stupid.
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, Yolanda, why's your eye all black and blue and ****?
- Man, my stepdad popped me in my eye. - Stepdad? You gotta off his ass.
- Really? - Yeah. Snatch his ass in a bear trap.
Leave him swinging from a tree so high, nobody finds him for days.
You know what I'm saying?
Dumb-ass ****, pulling ****. Damn!
- You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks. - No, problem, ho.
Maybe later you can suck my ****, bitch-ho.
Fat Abbot and the gang sure did learn something today.
If you have a stepdad riding your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap.
See you next time.
Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy.
Hey, kid, give me some of those.
- When are we gonna play truth or dare? - That game's for kids.
- This is bullcrap. - It's getting late. I have to leave.
This sucks. I wish we'd never built the clubhouse.
Mosh pit!
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
You bastards!
Stanley, your father is coming over for visitation. Stan?
"Meet me in the clubhouse."
Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?
"Meet me at the clubhouse."
Randy? What are you doing here?
- I got a note from Stanley to come here. - Oh, I thought that note was for me.
Maybe it was.
It looks like Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse.
Not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.
- Good night. - Sharon?
- Yes? - Truth or dare?
- It's too late for games. - No, I'm serious.
- Truth. - Do you still love me?
I do love you. But I'm so confused. I'm living with Roy...
- ...and I don't know how to break it off. - Sharon?
- Maybe things will work out. - Maybe. I guess it's my turn.
- Truth or dare? - Sharon?
- Dare. - Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.
Hello? Hello?
- Can somebody get me-? - Wow! Clubhouses are magical.
Okay, it's my turn. Stan, truth or dare?
Dare.
Take this stick and jam it up your pee hole.
- What? - That sucks! Do you think it'll hurt?
Hello?
I sure am hungry.
Anybody?
This certainly does suck right here.
Hello?
Sharon?
Sharon? Hello?